What has happened to me?

I’ve looked at pictures of myself lately and I’ve seen it. The creeping of my weight. The arms that look much flabbier than they did a year ago. The stomach, which used to be almost flat before I got hydrated and fed for the day and it filled out in a gentle curve. The hips – always round, but now much more spherical than ever before. It’s a problem. And stepping on the scale shows a solid 150 lbs; the heaviest I’ve been in my life. Only five pounds more than my typical weight, but I suddenly feel much bigger than I ever have.

I’ve spent the summer in sun dresses and flowing skirts. Not only because I love being girly and feeling breezy during the long, hot summer days, but also because none of my shorts fit properly. The shorts that used to be too big are suddenly a tad too small. The shorts that used to fit now require a lot of maneuvering. And muffin top abounds.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch my weight do this. I cannot let my body get away from me until I feel awful and ugly and unsexy. So it starts today. My daily journal. It starts today. I don’t care that it’ll be a rambling of stupidity or that no one will ever read it. I need to talk about this every day in order to make sure I’m doing something about it. Because if I don’t talk about it every day, I can ignore it, and if I can ignore it, I can let go of myself to a frightening degree. So here are my goals for the next 24 hours. Tomorrow I will be back to talk about how I’ve done.

1. No drinks other than water and Emergen-C for the rest of the day, and plenty of water at that.
2. The first thing I do when arriving home is put on my workout clothes and go for a 30-40 minute jog. No wimping out.
3. Dinner will be chicken, rice and vegetables. No sauces. No seconds. Keep the portion small.
4. No after-dinner treat. Chew gum or brush my teeth, and be done with it. No more “I’m craving something sweet” as an excuse to eat something stupid.
5. Don’t think about being hungry, because I’ll have given my body plenty of fuel, and there’s no reason to thing otherwise.

I can’t keep making excuses. I’m running a 5K in a little over two weeks. I’m in a wedding in two months, and the skirt I’m supposed to wear is looking frightfully small at the moment. None of my jeans fit, and I feel... jiggly. In the worst way.

I’ve said it before, but I’m going to MAKE myself mean it this time. It’s time to get serious.

A Monday success. This is unheard of. Really.

I set my alarm last night, got my exercise clothes out. Arranged my tennis shoes with socks nearby. Agonized over not being able to find my iPod shuffle. Went to bed thinking, “There is NO way I’ll be able to get out of bed for this in the morning.”

The alarm went off at 6:05. My usual confusion over what that noise could be (BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP) was followed by a realization that my dream wasn’t all that great, and really wasn’t worth returning to. So, for the first time in what has probably been years, I got up early on a Monday morning to work out. I was dressed and out the door by 6:09. I was running by 6:12. And I kept at it for a solid 20 minutes – a new record for me. I probably went about a mile and a half, but that’s okay. The fact that I did it at all was what made me so happy. Especially after a weekend of no workouts whatsoever. (It was rainy, I was swamped with schoolwork, and not at all motivated to drive to the gym in a downpour.)

My knee survived all 20 minutes, which is also a first. I’ve learned a couple of new stretches to warm up my IT band before I work out. My goal is to become a runner. A real runner. Someone who can run 5 miles and like it. Someone who doesn’t like to miss a run because it calms me. Someone who hops out of the bed for a run.

I’m thinking I might have to get up just a bit earlier. Have part of a granola bar, a small glass of water and a few minutes for it to settle in my stomach. Because there was a lot of uncomfortable thirst and stomach gurgling as I ran today.

Yesterday I experienced success, and disappointment.

Yesterday afternoon, I looked at a set of goals I made a few weeks ago when I started running again. Here they are:

Running Goals:
By April 30th: Run 1.5 miles at 5.5 mph easily
By May 31: Run 2 miles easily
By June 8: Run 2.5 miles
By June 22: Run 3 miles

June 22 is my birthday, and I want to see what it feels like to run 3 miles before then. I’ve only ever run 3 miles once in my life.

So, after seeing that yesterday, and knowing that I was going to the gym last night, I decided that I’d better try to run 1.5 miles. I hadn’t tried it before yesterday for probably… 2 or 3 years. But, I did it! At 5.5 mph (around an 11-minute mile), I ran 1.5 miles, without batting an eyelash, really. Then, I cranked up the speed a little and exhausted myself before doing my cool-down.

I’d been reading, too, about the knee pain I’ve been having when I run. Turns out it’s my IT band (a band that runs along the outside of the leg), which is rubbing against my knee joint, causing pain. There were three recommendations for helping this pain – stretch, shorten your stride, and buy better shoes. My shoes are awful, so I’m going to have to remedy that soon, but I couldn’t do it right away. But I could shorten my stride and do the stretches needed, so I did those two things, and – miraculously – no knee pain! Nice.

After my excellent achievement, I continued my workout with some squats, stretches, and a few tricep extensions. The great news here is that now I know I can run 1.5 miles, so I can start working my way toward 2 miles.

And for the bad news… I got on the scale before I left. 152 pounds. Yikes. I’m pretty sure that’s the heaviest I’ve ever been. My ideal weight is 138-ish, so I’ve got some serious work to do. So far, though, I’m doing pretty well with my resolutions that I began this week. The last few nights dinners have been light, snacks have been few and far between, water consumption has been up, and I’ve been feeling pretty good. If I can get myself up tomorrow morning to go to the gym, I’ll be doing really good for this week. 5 workouts in a week is awesome. If I do that, I think I’ll give myself Sunday off for some rest.

The Prodigal Gym-Goer Returns

If you’ve read any of this, you know that I’m struggling. With eating, with exercising, with being generally fit. It’s hard, this fitness business. But I’ve got to get back on the wagon, catch the train, or some other euphemism for doing better. I’ve been making a lot of false starts lately, but one of them is bound to not be false, so I’ve got to keep trying.

This week’s update:

• I’ve worked out 3 times this week already, which is great! I went for a jog/walk on both Tuesday and Wednesday morning (I skipped this morning because it was raining), and also did a workout after work on Tuesday. I plan on getting up tomorrow morning (weather permitting) and doing another one. And the Mr. and I are going to the gym tonight. Four workouts and it’s only Thursday. That’s amazing!
• I’ve decided to try a new route with food. For the last couple of years, I’ve done the snacking route. Eat a 10:00 a.m. snack and a 4:00 p.m. snack and then moderate meals in between. The problem is that my meals have not been very moderate. So, I’m cutting the snacks completely. I’ve done well so far this week, with only one snack yesterday afternoon (a banana), so that I could go grocery shopping after work and not be starving.
• I’m saying no to dessert. Or trying to. Nearly every day at work there are cakes and cookies free for the taking. But it’s time for that to be done and over with. For the last couple of weeks, in fact, I’ve been paring down my dessert intake. Rather than taking a piece of cake, I take a bite, on a disposable fork, eat it and throw the fork away. It’s a wasteful use of the fork, but it gets that craving out of the way without causing a huge jump in my calorie intake. I’ve got some low-call ice cream bars at home for days when I really “need” it, and a roll of low-cal shortbread cookies at my desk at work for emergencies.

My two biggest vices to conquer:

• Sleeping in – Don’t read me wrong here – I mean sleeping past 7:00 a.m. on a workday. On the weekends I’m normally up by 8:00, so I don’t count that as a problem. But on weekdays, I need to get up around 6:00 to do a quick jog/run before I get ready for work. Besides getting me exercise, this also relaxes me for the rest of the day. I have more time to get ready, and I spend the run thinking about what I’m going to wear for the day, so my time in the closet isn’t spent agonizing over what to wear.
• Alcohol – I love a stiff drink. Or two. Or five. I keep considering cutting back, giving up, or something. But it’s just not something I WANT to do. When I go out with Greg, I want to have a dirty martini or a glass of wine. When it’s a weekend night, I want to settle in to watch a movie and have a B&B. I like to take a bath and have a glass of white wine. These are my indulgences. The thing is, I know alcohol is packed with calories, has NO nutritional benefits (unless it’s a glass of red wine), and ultimately is doing more harm than good, because I only want another after I’ve finished the first one. I have been pretty good about not drinking on weekdays (It’s hard to do homework and have a glass of wine, anyway.) But the weekends. Oh, the weekends. Help.

It’s the middle of the week, so not exactly goal-setting time, but I’ve proven I don’t keep up with this blog well, so I’m going to set general goals until I update again….

Goals:
1. Work on getting up in the mornings – three mornings (at the least) a week would be great.
2. Continue Tuesday/Thursday evening gym workouts with the Mr.
3. Use Wii Fit to gauge my process
4. Run 2 miles. (I’m currently up to 1.25 miles.)

Keepin' It Real - Food/Weight Log

3/16/09

Weight: 147

Breakfast: Coffee with powdered cream and sugar, string cheese (I was up late, and didn’t have milk for cereal, so I grabbed and went. For shame.)

Snack: Did not get hungry, so waited for lunch.

Lunch: Bowl of chili with 4 small wheat crackers and cheese. 1 Now and Later and 2 pieces of horehound candy.

Snack: Banana

Dinner: Small bowl of beans with beef, 1 piece of irish soda bread, 2 marshmallow peeps.

Exercise: 30 minutes in the evening on Wii Fit, 30 minutes of gardening (I feel like I should put exercise in scare quotes on this one... Didn't feel much like exercise)

Water: 1 glass small at work, 1 large glass at home - Deficiency of at least 4 glasses

I'm back. Again.

It’s commitment time.

I’m feeling as huge as a house lately, because I’m not getting exercise or eating within the parameters of someone my size. Therefore, I have gained weight. Not a ton, but at least 5 pounds. Just enough to make all my jeans super tight, and my self esteem hit the bottom floor.

So it’s time to get serious.

Before the wedding, I developed some very respectable eating habits. I wasn’t dieting like crazy but I kept a few rules:

• No cream sauces. Therefore, no cream soups. I didn’t even keep cream in the fridge at home, so as not to tempt myself.
• Eat 5 times a day – Breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, mid-afternoon snack, and dinner. No more, no less.
• Make good choices at lunch – tomato-based soups, salads with no pasta or mayo-based mixtures (chicken or tuna salad, e.g.), and fish were always allowed.
• Whatever we have for dinner, have less of it than I really want. I’ll still be full, but I won’t be bursting, as I am most of the nights after dinner.
• Eating out is a privilege I reserve for other people paying – i.e. unless we’re invited by Greg’s or my parents, we don’t go to restaurants. Well, maybe once every two weeks.
• Pizza is off the table. We’ve had two pizzas in the last week and a half. This is bad news for my body.

So starting today, I make those good choices again. Starting today, starting this very minute, I will be eating better. I’m going to cut down on the pastas and rices and breads. I’ll have extra helpings of the veggies, and do my best to make fresh foods. I’ll make good choices and stop with the desserts (which have become daily and overwhelming).

Then there’s the exercising. For the past three weeks, I’ve been awful about it. So it’s time to make some commitments there, too.

1. Two nights a week, I will go to the gym and work up a good sweat. Running, step classes, body pump and serious power-walking all apply. Elliptical machines do not (I let myself slack too much on them.)
2. I have two pilates DVDs and Wii Fit now. I have no reason not to get up in the mornings and do a mini-workout. (Other than my extreme desire to sleep in.) I have to start getting up.
3. There are opportunities throughout my day to get in a little bit of exercise. Pushups against the bathroom sink at work, a walk with Tonks in the evening before or after dinner, squats or lunges while I read for class – I need to use these to their full advantage. They really make all the difference.

Oh, and I also need to use this blog the way I intended to at the beginning. To post weekly. To make goals. To really pressure myself into doing better. That’s another one I gotta work on.

So here we go, the goals for this week, Monday through Sunday:

1. Get in a real weekend workout. Really.
2. Get up early two mornings this week and either do Wii Fit Yoga or Pilates.
3. Make good choices 4 of the 5 lunches at work this week.
4. Record my meals – not necessarily the calories – and the portions I eat. Decide later whether to post these online.

Wish me luck!

Healthy Living and Money

In theory, healthy eating is so easy. I know what’s healthy. I know what’s not. Cottage Cheese – great. Cream Cheese – not great. All-white chicken breast without the skin – great. Corned Beef with all the fat – not so good.

When I walk through the lunch line, my eyes flip over things and I see exactly what I should be eating. A small bowl of chili with beans, non-fat yogurt and a piece of fruit. Talapia with a green chili salsa, steamed vegetables and a side salad. But what ends up on my plate? Beef stew in a bread bowl. Pizza. Cheesy, creamy soups and anything with a layer of fat floating on top.

If I were rich, eating healthy would be easy. A cinch. Some days it’s just so hard to get boring fish for $5, when you know that a baked potato with everything is only 85 cents. If I were rich, however, that wouldn’t matter. I’d eat it contentedly. Without complaint. Because I like the way the fish tastes, just not when I know it is $4 more than I’d like to spend.

In fact, fitness altogether would be simpler if I were rich. I’d have a part time job, and make sure I got in exercise each day during the hours I would normally be working a full-time job. I could buy fitness equipment for my home, including a treadmill and a Pilates machine-thingy. I could hire a personal trainer who would then come to my home and ensure I’m actually using the equipment and getting the exercise every day. And forget just buying the food, I’d hire a chef to prepare my meals for me and bring them to my home, so that they would require only minimal preparation.

Yes, if I were rich, I’d probably have an easier time being fit. But what’s the joy in having no challenge?