What has happened to me?

I’ve looked at pictures of myself lately and I’ve seen it. The creeping of my weight. The arms that look much flabbier than they did a year ago. The stomach, which used to be almost flat before I got hydrated and fed for the day and it filled out in a gentle curve. The hips – always round, but now much more spherical than ever before. It’s a problem. And stepping on the scale shows a solid 150 lbs; the heaviest I’ve been in my life. Only five pounds more than my typical weight, but I suddenly feel much bigger than I ever have.

I’ve spent the summer in sun dresses and flowing skirts. Not only because I love being girly and feeling breezy during the long, hot summer days, but also because none of my shorts fit properly. The shorts that used to be too big are suddenly a tad too small. The shorts that used to fit now require a lot of maneuvering. And muffin top abounds.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch my weight do this. I cannot let my body get away from me until I feel awful and ugly and unsexy. So it starts today. My daily journal. It starts today. I don’t care that it’ll be a rambling of stupidity or that no one will ever read it. I need to talk about this every day in order to make sure I’m doing something about it. Because if I don’t talk about it every day, I can ignore it, and if I can ignore it, I can let go of myself to a frightening degree. So here are my goals for the next 24 hours. Tomorrow I will be back to talk about how I’ve done.

1. No drinks other than water and Emergen-C for the rest of the day, and plenty of water at that.
2. The first thing I do when arriving home is put on my workout clothes and go for a 30-40 minute jog. No wimping out.
3. Dinner will be chicken, rice and vegetables. No sauces. No seconds. Keep the portion small.
4. No after-dinner treat. Chew gum or brush my teeth, and be done with it. No more “I’m craving something sweet” as an excuse to eat something stupid.
5. Don’t think about being hungry, because I’ll have given my body plenty of fuel, and there’s no reason to thing otherwise.

I can’t keep making excuses. I’m running a 5K in a little over two weeks. I’m in a wedding in two months, and the skirt I’m supposed to wear is looking frightfully small at the moment. None of my jeans fit, and I feel... jiggly. In the worst way.

I’ve said it before, but I’m going to MAKE myself mean it this time. It’s time to get serious.