What has happened to me?

I’ve looked at pictures of myself lately and I’ve seen it. The creeping of my weight. The arms that look much flabbier than they did a year ago. The stomach, which used to be almost flat before I got hydrated and fed for the day and it filled out in a gentle curve. The hips – always round, but now much more spherical than ever before. It’s a problem. And stepping on the scale shows a solid 150 lbs; the heaviest I’ve been in my life. Only five pounds more than my typical weight, but I suddenly feel much bigger than I ever have.

I’ve spent the summer in sun dresses and flowing skirts. Not only because I love being girly and feeling breezy during the long, hot summer days, but also because none of my shorts fit properly. The shorts that used to be too big are suddenly a tad too small. The shorts that used to fit now require a lot of maneuvering. And muffin top abounds.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch my weight do this. I cannot let my body get away from me until I feel awful and ugly and unsexy. So it starts today. My daily journal. It starts today. I don’t care that it’ll be a rambling of stupidity or that no one will ever read it. I need to talk about this every day in order to make sure I’m doing something about it. Because if I don’t talk about it every day, I can ignore it, and if I can ignore it, I can let go of myself to a frightening degree. So here are my goals for the next 24 hours. Tomorrow I will be back to talk about how I’ve done.

1. No drinks other than water and Emergen-C for the rest of the day, and plenty of water at that.
2. The first thing I do when arriving home is put on my workout clothes and go for a 30-40 minute jog. No wimping out.
3. Dinner will be chicken, rice and vegetables. No sauces. No seconds. Keep the portion small.
4. No after-dinner treat. Chew gum or brush my teeth, and be done with it. No more “I’m craving something sweet” as an excuse to eat something stupid.
5. Don’t think about being hungry, because I’ll have given my body plenty of fuel, and there’s no reason to thing otherwise.

I can’t keep making excuses. I’m running a 5K in a little over two weeks. I’m in a wedding in two months, and the skirt I’m supposed to wear is looking frightfully small at the moment. None of my jeans fit, and I feel... jiggly. In the worst way.

I’ve said it before, but I’m going to MAKE myself mean it this time. It’s time to get serious.

La-hoo-Za-Herrrr

I’m weirdly addicted to The Biggest Loser. I’ve told this to very few people, because most people who know me know that I am vocal about my hatred for reality shows. I really, really dislike reality shows.

Except for Biggest Loser. And Project Runway. They are my exceptions.

(I swear if you try to get me to watch a whole episode of MTV reality shows or anything akin to Survivor, I will claw you.)

But I think The Biggest Loser gives many people unhealthy expectations. This is a show were morbidly obese people lose 15 and 20 pounds in a single week. And unless you working out 8 hours a day, that’s all but impossible. On the Biggest Loser, they are doing a lot more work than they let on. Their “last-chance workout” as they call it probably lasts over 4 hours. But for us, it’s a 3-minute blip on the radar.

But the thing that I absolutely love about the show is that it’s all about retraining the mind, the emotions and the habits. Yes, they work out a lot. Yes, they have crazy trainers who scream at them. But they also are taught that you really can’t eat only cheese and meat and somehow magically lose 30 pounds. They’re taught that what you put into your mouth you have to sweat out later.

Another thing I love about the show is that it doesn’t dumb down how hard it is to work out. How much you really have to WANT it to do it right. People cry, they grimace, they whine, they collapse, they cough and sputter and look like they really wish they could die. I certainly don’t advocate exercise this crazy if you’re working at a normal pound-a-week pace. But at least it illustrates a point to all the other couch potatoes: Losing weight isn’t easy. It doesn’t come in pill form, and it probably hurts if you’re doing it right.

Unfortunately, even this show isn’t all sunshine and lollipops. I overheard one obese woman talking to another this morning as our company conducted “health risk assessments” for each employee. Part of the assessment was a height/weight/BMI calculation, and as one overweight woman was being shown her BMI, the other said,

“Oh, just go watch The Biggest Loser. You’ll feel a LOT better about yourself.”

Hrmph. I guess some people will use anything as a vehicle for rationalization. Awesome.